Blog,  Relationships

How to deal with rejection

How do you deal with rejection? It’s the ultimate embarrassment, the thing most people fear when gearing up to dating.. So how do you deal with it when it actually happens to you? What’s the right way to address someone who has walked away from you, torn you apart or tried to strip you of that good heart you try desperately to keep a grasp of.

Recently I was talking to a girlfriend of mine, we both recently have dealt with the feeling but we approach it in completely different ways. Let’s start with her approach.

She was dating someone, it was a whirlwind sorta romance, although complete opposites she felt they worked, that they had that spark worth keeping. This guy completely (in my eyes) abused her good faith and compassion. Despite the fact that he time after time gave her suspicions of cheating, took money from her and called her every name under the sun.. every time he needed something – she was there. Always. When things hit the end and he decided he could move on without her, he did – but behind him he left this path of destruction for her to pick up. Her way of dealing with this was to get angry, but also to desperately try to cling on – to show him that they could have a good thing going and honestly – he could. He has there someone who would do anything for him and has done but sometimes they just don’t feel the same way, ultimately you do get to the realisation of this but for someone like my friend who still has that flicker of hope it’s a long path.

This is where we come to my approach. I’ve dealt with a few rejections, and over the years I’ve found the best ways to deal with them. Before I string off the list, I’ll use a recent example. So let’s set the scene.

I’d been speaking to a guy who’d got in touch from high school.. Now I was not the best looking teen, I was shy and awkward and guys made me go all red and giggly, so someone contacting me at all knowing what I was like in school is a miracle in itself. This guy seemed really genuine, texted me every single morning asking how my day was, showed a genuine interest in my life, and it seemed the stars had alliagned for a childhood sweetheart kinda story. After just over two weeks of texting back and forth we made plans to meet.

He was meeting me for a few drinks at mine, so I got my cute black dress on, my favourite lippy and spent the best part of a very frustrating hour curling my hair. As I stood there in front of the mirror, approving my outfit/hair/make-up the nerves hit and I realised this guy hasn’t seen me in 12 years!! He texted saying he was on his way, picking up a bottle of red first but will be there for 9. Great, bonus points for the wine.

I sat downstairs, trying to calm myself down and flowing the alcohol. I called the bestie and had a number of make up checks/ puffing the hair up before I realised it was 9.30. He’s late. I wait till 9.40 before I drop a jokey text saying he better have a bloody good bottle of wine for being late. Still nothing. Was this it? The ultimate stand up? It sure was.

All night I heard nothing and went through a flutter of emotions, anger, disappointment, worry & confusion. I think the confusion is the one that gets most people. Why didn’t he show? Why would he show an interest to not follow up? Why would he text EVERY day to not even bother the ONE time we have the chance to meet? Here’s where I’m different to my girlfriend.

He texted the next morning apologising, saying he had left his phone somewhere and couldn’t find my address but to add insult to injury finished the text with ‘I won’t bother you.’ No attempt to even TRY to make it up to me – that’s when I knew to walk away and responded with ‘No worries. Take care of yourself.’

I could of got angry, I could of texted him a number of insults, I could of easily re arranged and played nice. Here’s what I have ultimately learnt. HE’S NOT WORTH IT.

You can put every ounce of your energy into holding onto what you both have, you can scream and shout till you’re red in the face, but you can’t make them want you. You are saving yourself a ton of heartbreak by just taking a deep breath, realising you’re worth more and going ‘Okay.’

Here are my top 5 tips to move on from a break-up/rejection or just someone you know it won’t work with.

  1. Be sure that it is actually worth walking away from. I can sit here and say as soon as someone stands you up they aren’t worth chasing but only you can assess that. If it’s someone who has made effort for you in the past but had a one night mess up think about giving him a second chance, however, for a first date – No. Walk away, in fact – run.. Give Usain Bolt a run for his money on that one because if it starts that way – I can promise you it will only get worse.
  2. Social Media. Ahh.. The devil. We all want to get drunk and snapchat how much of an amazing time we are having without them.. Don’t. Don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing what or who you are doing 😉 Let their mind wonder. On this note, don’t stalk. It’s hard – I know but walk away. They aren’t part of your life anymore, don’t let them have a hold of you, think of it like a plaster – the quicker you do it, the easier it will be to get over them.
  3. Feel good. Go out and buy yourself the sexiest Victoria Secrets underwear set. Now. Not only does this make you feel a million dollars splurging on something so intimate, it makes you excited to show the next guy who is lucky enough to view your new purchase.
  4. No contact. Don’t do the drunk dialling, don’t do the texting saying you miss him. You’re giving him the satisfaction of knowing you aren’t over him, you’re telling him that you have no other offers from people, you’re still his.. but he doesn’t want you. As brutal as it sounds, you have to realise – he walked away from this. If he does get in touch, no matter how upsetting or nasty he is towards you ALWAYS hold your head high and respond in a way that would make you feel proud and bigger than him. Never EVER let him ruin your good heart. Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. This is one of those times, in the heat of the moment write down what you want to send him, sleep on it and re read it. If you feel it still stands then hit send, but 90% of the time you re-edit it because you’ve calmed down.
  5. It HAS to be a two-way street. You have to realise you are worth fighting for, you are worth someone doing a little chasing but it can’t all be one sided. There is a brilliant quote I found to back this point up and put it in better words than I can. You are a diamond, and you WILL be someone’s diamond one day. Every person you meet was brought to you for a reason, to bring you that step closer to the one.

I’ll end it with the quote and pass my blog over to my new addition to the dating 101 blog – our very own inappropriate agony aunt who each week will hand their advice over on the subject.

‘Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you’re a good person and a good friend. What’s meant to be will end up good and what’s not – won’t. Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don’t, you just have to move on and realise what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realise great things when they come around and don’t lose something real. Always fight, until you can’t anymore, and then be fought for.’

Agony Aunt: 

There is only one known cure for Rejection and it also begins with an ‘R’ ….but has an e at the end of it rather than an ‘n’….and ‘eveng’ in the middle.    Yes…Revenge! 

Enlist your most drop dead gorgeous friend, catfish the offender and set up a hot date at the most embarrassing place for a single man to be left alone at….namely Whacky Warehouse.   Inform the authorities, sit back and enjoy the satisfaction of a job well done. 

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