First Dates

Bad Dates. We’ve all had them but what is it that makes the date bad? Where are all you guys going wrong? Before we rattle off the list of dating etiquettes, I thought some personal ‘bad’ experiences of my own were needed.. Enjoy and laugh at my expense!

The Horse.
This guy came across like a complete gentleman, he spoke properly, complimented me, held doors open.. old school, I like that. Anyway, he told me he wanted to treat me and take me somewhere fancy for a wonderful evening. Dressed in a little black dress, hair blow dried and red lipstick armed I arrived on time to him pulling up with a rose, call me old fashioned but this won him bonus points. We walked into a lovely Italian restaurant, food smelt amazing and the place looked beautiful. I always get a little nervous about eating on dates so I rabbit nibbled my food and at the end when the waiter came over to take away our leftovers.. my leftovers, it happened. Realising I wasn’t going to eat the half eaten chicken on my plate, he pretty much snatched it from under me and I don’t use this word lightly but ‘gobbled’ it. I mean I don’t think even a horse eats that quickly. You know though, giving him the benefit of the doubt – he could just be incredibly hungry. I didn’t let it ruin the date despite the fact I knew my face was doing that judgemental, disgust face  while watching my creme de la bloody mushroom sauce drip down his chin. Once he had pretty much licked the plate clean, Mr Waiter came back over and finally cleaned our table to which he then placed the bill down.
“Ahh, we’re going dutch thanks.” My date replied. Oh are we now? Had I of known I was paying for my own god damn chicken mushroom creme de la god knows what, maybe I would of horsed mine down too. No screw it, it’s fine. 2016 and all, equal rights, fine. Paid my half of the meal, and as we left the restaurant I just wanted to get home, I’d been working all day and had an early start tomorrow. My Uber pulled up and I jumped in excited to be finally on my way home and one step closer to my bed. Are you ready for the kicker? Not only did he jump in MY Uber, he jumped in and said oh so casually “Drop me off first yeah?”

Dude, you went wrong so many ways on this date but never EVER jump in a girls Uber without being asked. He got his free ride home, but he never got anything else… Knickers stayed damn firm on for that one. They were the sexy ones too. Too bad.

The So Not Over It.
This guy was off to a bad start, he cancelled our first date – last minute for football, but I still gave him a second chance.. A few months later, after I had calmed down and was feeling a little lonely. We arranged to meet at a gorgeous little wine bar, candles and cute furniture set the mood.. The red wine helped too! He was dressed smartly, looked like he had a great body underneath too!! After general chit chat, a few quick make up checks in the toilet and half a bottle of wine later the topic came onto the whole cancelling the date last time. I made it pretty clear I was annoyed by the situation, sort of giggling so it didn’t come across like I wasn’t being too harsh on the guy. He paused and said ‘About that.. It wasn’t because of football. My ex got back in touch and I knew if I met her I’d end up sleeping with her.’ This guy had actually just told me that he had cancelled our first date for a booty call with an ex that he (throughout the night) multiple times said how much of a bitch she was. I don’t know what was going through his head to think I’d be okay with that excuse over football but he instantly was removed from the ‘relationship’ potential bucket. Guys.. Never EVER make this error, I mean I didn’t actually think guys did make this error – I always go for the bright sparks clearly. Even if you have had a late night rendezvous with an ex over a date with a new girl, don’t bring it up on a first date!! He clearly wasn’t over his ex, had some issues he’s needed to resolve with her or something but there was no way in hell I was jumping into that situation.

There are plenty more dates of mine that have ended pretty badly but let’s start the list of dating no no’s when meeting for the first time with someone new.

  1. Do drinks – not food. No girl likes the intimidation of eating on a first date. So much can go wrong here, basil in the teeth, spaghetti sauce on our freshly washed outfit, the dreaded garlic breath. Drinks takes the pressure away, and also gives you both chance to really talk. Go for somewhere cool and intimate, fancy places are great but no one tends to relax properly.. Somewhere with music but not too loud, so those awkward silences are hidden!
  2. The Ex. Don’t mention your ex, unless asked of course – then just keep it short and sweet. Talking about them as someone you hate only puts us on edge for how you’re going to be talking about us if we had a disagreement, but talking about them fondly and a lot makes a girl think there is unfinished business there. Just avoid the topic for a later date. Get to know the new girl in your life instead.
  3. Manners.. Use them! Girls like guys who look like they’ve got their shit together and proper grammer/manners is a way we gauge whether you seem stable or not! No one likes someone who’s rude and arrogant, we’re only going to see you as a piece of meat.. Yes us girls are guilty of that too! Smile at your servers, use your thank you’s and pleases.
  4. Let us talk! Don’t get me wrong, I love it when a guy has a lot to say. It shows he has a lot going on, and there’s a brain in there working away but do ask us questions. I tend to get pretty shy until I hit my 5th Malibu so I need someone to help string the conversation along until I find my words.
  5. Staring! We get it.. you’re red blooded and a pair of perfect boobs walking through the door might want to catch your attention but focus on the girl sat opposite you, chances are she has spent a lot of time staring in the mirror re-styling her hair & changing her lipstick colour. She’s made effort, and it’s all for you!

I’m interested in all of your worst first date experiences – do tweet us and let us know. I can’t be the only one who fails so tragically at this!
Agony Inappropriate Adults – It’s over to you.

The Horse – (1) given that all Uber drivers seem to be potential rapists he was only jumping in your cab to protect you – he’s a knight in shining armour and  (2) – at least you know he doesn’t mind sharing bodily fluids with you having shared your slobbed on chicken – that’s a positive.   He’ll do anything that involves moisture and a slightly meaty smell.  You’re quids in… this guys a keeper.

The X (so not over it) – generosity of spirit comes in many forms.   What you have here is someone who prizes social nicety above his own inclinations.   Selflessly he has agreed to service his (slutty high heeled tarty desperate) ex “for old times’ sake”.  It’s the same nobility that results in men dancing with aged and wrinkled aunts at Scottish ceilidhs on New Year’s Eve…this guy’s a keeper too.

You sure know how to find ’em!!

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