It’s 2am and I’m sat in my bed, bare backed letting the breeze from my fan hit my skin. Goosebumps cover me as I sit staring at the dream catcher spinning round. Another heartbreak has hit me hard, and as the dried tears sting my eyes I realise it’s just another life lesson I’ve learnt. Always wear your heart on your sleeve, don’t put barriers up. Let people in. Yes, I got hurt and no it doesn’t feel good but I know it’s there. Despite all the pain, lies, cheats & excuses – my heart is still there. It still cares. I’m proud to say I’m hurting. I know I’ll pull through this, I always do and next time I’ll stay just as open and honest as I always am.
To every guy who this past year has brought me nothing but heartache, tears & pain.
Thank you. You are part of the reason I stand a little firmer, speak a little louder and fight a damn lot harder. You have led me one step closer to the man who will one day put all those pieces you’ve left of me back together. You have shown me that even in a cruel world, good exists. People have stood strong around me, lit me candles when I thought everything had gone dark – It’s because of you I have had to count on these people. It’s because of you these friendships have bonded. Each and every single one of you meant a great deal to me at some point. You gave me memories, and experiences that are priceless. Some of you hurt me a great deal more than others, but all of you have given me an extra piece of this jigsaw we call life. I see the picture of me finally emerging. I’m sure that isn’t the end of all my heartbreaks, I see a few more in my future but now I’m prepared.. and well. You won’t affect how I jump into my next relationship. I will, however, spot the warning signs a little earlier, know when someone is lying to me, and I won’t let someone walk over me like you did. I also will give them the same chance I gave you, willingness to let someone new into my life, honesty and love. Truth is I truly am thankful for each and every one of you. I had some great times, some wonderful experiences and I’ll hold on to them. Moments where I have looked into your eyes and whether you were in the moment or not – I was. I have enjoyed every moment. With love there is always the risk of heartbreak, I knew the risks and still loved like there was no tomorrow. Granted, it was wasted on you all, it doesn’t mean I’d want to take back a damn second. We were all made to love someone, someone who won’t bring you pain, someone who looks into your eyes with the same look that you’re projecting back on them & I know each of you are destined to find your loves too. We didn’t match and that’s okay. You’re all good people, yes you did hurt me but if I never saw the good in you I wouldn’t of let you in. You have it there in you. When you do let someone in, make sure they see the wonderful person you are. All of you had something special about you one way or another. To the guy who walked away without saying a word, you have the most infectious laugh, the worst taste in music, you were incredibly lazy & wanted everything handed to you but you always knew how to make me smile after a bad day at work. Whether you were in it or not, you sure had a way with words to make me feel okay. To the guy who ended up having a girlfriend, you knew I liked you and that we had a history there already. You knew what you were doing was wrong, you knew that there was always something there with us and you could exploit that, however, that mind of yours can do great things. Follow your dreams because by god, you can do anything. I promise you that. That cabin the woods you’ve always wanted is yours – go do it. To the guy who texted me ending things, you cheated, you lied and told me everything I wanted to hear with the world’s worst fake smile plastered on your face (you do need to work on that!!) but the care you have in that heart of yours shone out, I wasn’t the one you projected that care to but it’s there and the overwhelming love you had for your family is something no one will take from you. Ever. Keep hold of that closeness. To the most recent heartbreak of mine, you swept me off my feet then swiftly landed me back to ground with a crash landing. You said everything you needed to, to get me exactly where you wanted. I feel hurt by what you did but you.. you’re something different. I don’t think I’ve ever quite met someone like you. You made me smile with pure joy, your warmth was felt all around me. You’re someone I don’t ever need to worry about finding love, because you will and when you do it will be magical.
So as I move forward, I want you all to know that in your own ways I will care for you all always. I will always be here as someone you can turn to if needed. I have no bad feelings towards any of you. I wish you all nothing but happiness and you will all find it – if you haven’t already!!
Thank you for helping me with my journey, finding myself and giving me pockets of happiness.
Inappropriate Agony Aunt:
And if all else fails, call yourself Adele and turn it into a song! Monetise your misery…that’s what I say!!