Beat the break up

I suppose the positive perk of being someone who has been constantly disapointed by men is that you become very good at truly seeing what each excuse means. You become immune to the whole ‘It’s me, not you’ line, and you see the full picture. I’ve had them all.. the texter, the caller, the face to face, the one that just cuts you off and fizzles it out. I have also been guilty of all of these so I’m going to pass on what I’ve learnt to all of you.

Before we start though, a friend recently told me something that’s really stuck with me. ‘No one is worth your tears and the one who is, won’t make you cry.’

Remember that.

The texter.

When a guy does the break up by text, you have to know they are a complete coward. They are taking away the worry of your reply, they quite honestly don’t care about your reply. This is a quick fix way to make sure that you get the message without having to deal with your feelings. The one experience I have had with this really devastated me. I really felt for this person and I couldn’t quite believe that the months we had spent together really came down to a text. On the other hand, when I have done this in the past it’s been to someone I really didn’t feel anything for. That doesn’t make it okay and it’s something I do regret. Everyone deserves to have their feelings respected and I feel this can only really be done when you speak to them. One guy who I texted to break things off I did text a few months down the line apologising for the way I handled things and we actually started building a friendship from it. Hold people’s hearts carefully, they are so easily damaged.

The caller.

This is a guy who probably does have some sort of feelings there for you, but still not man enough to see you face to face. I’ve had many of these phone calls.. and over time I’ve learnt – as much as you want to scream and shout sometimes, as much as you want to let them know how much they have hurt you. Don’t. Don’t give them the satisfaction, they already know they’ve hurt you – don’t let them see it. Hold your head high. As much as it doesn’t seem it right now, they so aren’t worth it. With my experience doing the call, I’ve always had a pretty good reason to end things. The only time it’s acceptable (for me) to call and end things with someone is if they have done something to hurt you pretty bad. You’re damn right I didn’t want to meet someone who cheated on me over and over face to face.

The fizzler. 

This guy takes the icing on the cake. No respect for you, no acknowledgement of your feelings and still immature at heart. If a person meant anything to you at all, you’d have the decency to at least tell them why you’re walking away. As easy as it is for me to say, please waste no time on this person. All it will do is cause you heartache and drive you crazy, you have no closure and I can promise you this – you won’t get any from them. Have a good cry (if you need it), and move on. He might be good looking, he might make you laugh, smile or feel good.. but in this moment he doesn’t care about your feelings.. Is that someone you want in your life?

The facer. 

So these guys are the ones who are probably being most genuine to you. If they are ending the relationship face to face chances are that what they are saying is true. No one wants to go into breaking up with someone face to face with a bull crap excuse, because it’s so easy for the other person to see right through it. It’s here you have a real chance to be honest and open – what have you got to lose? Always remain calm, if you act like a crazy person you’re proving them right that they’ve done the right thing. If you act with elegance and grace, they’ll walk away wondering whether they’ve made a mistake. The last person to end things with me face to face ended up coming back a few months later saying they’d made a mistake and wanted another chance. By this point, I’d moved on and was happy but it shows, always ALWAYS keep your calm. It might be worth adding as well that I had huge respect for him doing things so delicately too. I could tell that the relationship just wasn’t for him at the time and that he still cared how I felt.

How do we get over a break up?

No one likes that feeling of rejection, especially with someone you fell for. Each breakup is different, and everyone reacts differently to it. The most recent one for me did kind of hit me out of the blue, not the break up but the way I’d feel. First off, he was a caller so I knew instantly that he wasn’t obviously the guy I thought I’d found. This guy was someone I genuinely thought was a decent man someone that really held peoples feelings and emotions with care. It shows that even after dating different types of men, you never truly prepare yourself for the disappointment – you always think you know someone until they turn around and show you their other side. I really took a chance on this one, and despite the warnings, the troubles it brought I decided that this time round I’d make my own mind up about them so when the whole ‘It’s me, not you’ line got dropped, I really felt the overwhelming feeling of disappointment – not just in him but myself. I reacted differently to this break up than I had in the past.

In the past, I’d locked myself away from everyone and how I was feeling, I would overindulge in chocolate, feel sorry for myself, mask everything with alcohol and over share on social media – just so they knew I was doing just fine without them. I think after this past year I’ve had and the difficulties I’ve faced, not just with men but I did things a little differently. After spending an hour staring in the mirror, pointing all my flaws out and analysing whether it’s the way I looked or the extra 3lbs I’ve added on recently, I realised where I was going wrong. I can stand there staring at myself feeling worse than I already do about myself, picking all those insecurities out, using all my tears or I can ask for help. I have a really close knit bunch of friends now, ones who I know would do anything for me and rather than hide my feelings, I called on them ‘No, I’m not okay’. Honestly, it’s by far the best piece of advice I can offer you. Friends are gems. One of them flew round to mine, and baring sweets we drank a bottle of wine, laughed, cried and she stayed until she carried me to bed and tucked me in. The others were calling me, and between them all made sure I wasn’t alone for the rest of the week arranging to see me at different times. They brought me meals round, got me out of the house, and kept me wrapped warm in the blanket of friendship they were cuddling me in. Basically, by the end of the week I was feeling completely overwhelmed with love. Lose yourself among your friends and family, let them be there. It really does help you realise just how treasured and special you are.

Also it’s worth bringing up the heartbreak diet here. This time round, I have lost quite rapidly a good chunk of weight. My friends were great but they can’t force feed you… and shouldn’t have to. I was barely eating half a bowl of soup a day – and that was pretty forced. Trust me, I get the whole wanting to look good after a break up but starving yourself is not the answer. After two weeks and standing on the scales realising just how much I had lost I decided to exercise and eat healthily instead of starving myself. I know the last thing you feel like doing is moving from your sofa, or pulling yourself away from the cheese Netflix shows you have just discovered but honestly it does you the world of good, and rather than looking at yourself as this broken, weak person – you’ll realise just how strong and gorgeous you are. Eat.

He’s walked away from you. He didn’t have the fight, the drive that you would of had to keep you both together. You’re heartbroken, you’re kicking yourself, you’re feeling worthless. Don’t. He’s lost you. He’s lost someone that would of been there no matter what. You were in this more than he was. Maybe one day he’ll realise, maybe one day he won’t – but someone will. Someone will realise just what a diamond you are. It’s time to move on to another love.

Inappropriate Agony Aunt:

I think you’ve missed a few out ….there’s ‘The Literal Dumper’ – the one that posts a picture of the local recycling plant on facebook and tags you into it.    Then there’s ‘The Gifter’….. then the cowardly guys (that’s 96% then) who buy you a Christmas present of the lowest common denominator….a bargain bin DVD of last years stand up comedian, say, or a kitchen utensil (not Alessi) or anything with a Poundland sticker left on…then lets nature take it’s course….need any more????

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